The death of my grandma was the last trauma I could endure; no more façade of strength and courage nor the ability to continue showing my heart and its characteristics as I so enjoyed doing for 9 years. Those were the years I feared not to open my heart to many, but one in particular…my life was finally perfect (or so I thought). November 6, 2009 I was taken to the ER and released 4 hours later; many revelations came upon me that night. Too many to conjure up, chances of calm waters stirring in chaos is not one I care to surf right now. What I will disclose, or confess for that matter, my flight syndrome has always been a safety net I depend on. When all else fails, I am well past ready for take off! Sometimes, in this mixed up head of mine, I choose the wrong flight number, sometimes I do not but whatever the flight or destination at the time is my heart aching for someone to see me, just me…not the mom of five teens, or the woman who had 5 kids at 24 (all under 4), or the superwoman who ran a successful business, or a mom who started a Christian volleyball club, or a wife that continually learns submission, or a wife that wants to make everyone happy, but for once I would like to take this mask off and when I do take the mask off…here’s the scary part…I would like to be loved anyways. I don’t mean pretending to be a bestie or lover and then only to abandon me once again.
I’m told the best “cure” for getting through these things is this: Turn to our Heavenly Father, Pray, Fellowship with brothers and sisters, forgive yourself, place your burden upon Jesus and HE WILL LIFT YOU UP. During the happy years, the 9 of which I spoke of, I did just that. Maybe that is why God has chosen the past year to bring me to my knees. Now, I yearn to walk that same journey. I’m afraid to give it all I have. I know I am forgiven but do others know that? I need that acceptance again the unconditional love I felt from God. One thing I have learned is this, many will let you down in life, many will be friends you thought were true, many will hold your past against you, many will continue to do so. I’m afraid of the ones who could hurt me worse than anyone, the ones who spent the last year demanding that my “illness” was spiritually related. I have subsided to their truths in hope that maybe they are right. Maybe I am to blame; maybe just maybe I expect too much from the ones whom I thought knew me, just me. Baby step by baby step I test the waters, but the cage is full of wrath that belongs to God, not them. So I place the mask on and trust in God that he can still see my heart, know it is his, and pray one day, someday…someone will see just me, a little girl, a daughter who is doing the best she can to lean on Father #4.
I’m told the best “cure” for getting through these things is this: Turn to our Heavenly Father, Pray, Fellowship with brothers and sisters, forgive yourself, place your burden upon Jesus and HE WILL LIFT YOU UP. During the happy years, the 9 of which I spoke of, I did just that. Maybe that is why God has chosen the past year to bring me to my knees. Now, I yearn to walk that same journey. I’m afraid to give it all I have. I know I am forgiven but do others know that? I need that acceptance again the unconditional love I felt from God. One thing I have learned is this, many will let you down in life, many will be friends you thought were true, many will hold your past against you, many will continue to do so. I’m afraid of the ones who could hurt me worse than anyone, the ones who spent the last year demanding that my “illness” was spiritually related. I have subsided to their truths in hope that maybe they are right. Maybe I am to blame; maybe just maybe I expect too much from the ones whom I thought knew me, just me. Baby step by baby step I test the waters, but the cage is full of wrath that belongs to God, not them. So I place the mask on and trust in God that he can still see my heart, know it is his, and pray one day, someday…someone will see just me, a little girl, a daughter who is doing the best she can to lean on Father #4.
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